"Lindsay, wtf, you promised me travel pictures and cultured Asian things, why are you talking to me about sunscreen? Go home. Who even are you?"
Who am I? I'm a porcelain doll with a milky white complexion, melanoma free since 1994. And I'm already home. But thanks, bro.
You're right, I did promise you a travel blog, and a travel blog you shall have. Here's the connection, albeit a tenuous one. My Grandma's super excited that I'm going to Hong Kong, but she always likes to weigh in with the same diatribe: "It's very hot there; do you know the signs of heat stroke?" followed by "You must PROMISE me to wear sunscreen and a hat."
Sunscreen. There is is. The bane of pale children and camp counselors alike. As someone who routinely maxes out the pale scale in just about every foundation brand, I feel pretty confident in saying that I have been around the (sun) block a fair few times in terms of UVA and UVB protection.
God, I am so sorry.
The other day one of my co-workers and I were joking about how, as lifeguards, we're the perfect acid test for different brands of sunscreen; If it survives a 6 hour camp day teaching and guarding, it's good enough to apply to your children liberally 2, 3, 12 times a day, whatever eases your conscience sending your kid out into the world with its disintegrating ozone layer. We don't judge your sunscreen choices, even when it clouds up the pool so badly that we have to close. It's ok, we get it. We'll grab some popsicles and chat about heat stroke prevention while we wait the rest of the summer for it to clear up.
Not all effective sunscreen is completely nasty, though. Through the years I've tried and erred, and with several spectacular farmer's tans burned into my sense memory, I'm thrilled to present to you what are, in my humble opinion, the top 7 sunscreen brands out there.
1. Neutrogena Clear Face
This stuff is number one on my list because it is the ONLY sunscreen I've ever found that doesn't feel like crisco on my skin AND effectively prevents the break-outs that typically come with high sunscreen usage. It comes in SPF 30 and 55, and I've never gotten burned while wearing it. It feels just like a light moisturizer when you put it on, and doesn't have a super strong sunscreen smell. The only downside is that it's sort of pricey, so I only use it on my face and neck.
2. Neutrogena Wet Skin Sunscreen Spray
This is what I typically use on my body when I know I'm going to be out in the sun for a long time. It's a clear spray that comes in SPF 30, 50, or 85+ (Although I've been told that sunscreen isn't incrementally effective past SPF 45 or 50) As an added bonus, the bottle says it can be applied directly to wet skin, but I've never tried it. The best part about this stuff is the same reason why some people don't like it; it has a very, very strong, sticky presence on your skin. Psychologically it's actually kind of reassuring because you feel super protected, and from a practical standpoint it's a nice thing too because you can physically feel when it's starting to wear off. I usually apply it once during the day if I'm guarding or at the beach, and sometimes reapply it to my shoulders if I feel it starting to wear off. Like any sunscreen, you're supposed to reapply every two hours or after swimming, but usually the stuff sticks to my skin like glue until I shower it off, so I've never felt the need.
3. Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Sunscreen (Dry Touch Sunscreen)
Neutrogena makes a lot of really great sunscreens. This is another one that's light, and great for use on your face, or body if you don't want to feel sticky. The only major differences between this and the Clear Face line are that it doesn't have the anti break-out factor, and it's a little cheaper.
4. Coppertone Sport Spray
Another clear spray, a close second to the Neutrogena spray. This one is great for sports and sweating, comes in a much bigger bottle than the Neutrogena, and is significantly cheaper. If you're swimming you'll have to re-apply it once or twice, but it gets the job done consistently. A little bit of a harsh smell, but you get used to it.
5. Blue Lizard ("Australian Sunscreen")
I don't know if it's actually Australian or not, but this is one of the brands I remember seeing a lot, especially on younger kids, when I was a camp counselor. This sunscreen is without a doubt the stickiest, thickest, greasiest, most disgusting sunscreen I've ever seen. That's probably why moms everywhere love it. The stuff sticks to your hands, and soap doesn't even take it off. You just have to wait and not touch anything until it finally wears off. I feel like the reason I only saw it on younger kids was because they were too young to know how nasty the stuff was.
6. NO-AD
This is one of the staples for the pale kids at American summer camps. It comes in huge bottles in tropical hues, and has a smell to peel paint off a fence. But it's ok because you could probably use NO-AD to repaint that fence. It works, so I'm told.
7. Bull Frog
This stuff was my mom's punishment of choice for me during my camp years. It made my counselors hate me, and it's probably the reason why I always got stuck with the banana or rootbeer flavored popsicles after swim. It's thick, it's gooey, it contains titanium dioxide, it will explode in your bag, but it works. Bull Frog also makes a gel sunscreen (think aloe vera gel), but I only remember my mom buying it once, so I probably got burned using it. It's a nice idea though, if you really can't stand the stickiness of most sunscreens.
That's it! Enjoy the sun and try not to get skin cancer!
~Your Friendly Neighborhood Lifeguard
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